


Food and other Red Team Catastrophes

by Finerafin



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Locus getting used to the Reds and Blues, Pizza, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:01:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finerafin/pseuds/Finerafin
Summary: Getting used to the Reds and Blues was… sometimes difficult. And Locus would know. After all, he had first-hand experience now.Secret Santa gift for @quetzalcatus on Tumblr!





	Food and other Red Team Catastrophes

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Secret Santa gift for [@quetzalcatus](http://quetzalcactus.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr! I hope you like it ~  
> As always English is not my first language, so if you find any mistakes feel free to tell me

Getting used to the Reds and Blues was… sometimes difficult. Since they now shared a base - well, it was still divided in a Red half and a Blue half, but there was only one kitchen and one living room - someone was always awake and possible in one of these rooms. Locus didn’t really like being bothered, especially in the first few weeks, so he’d either stayed in Arynasea or in the basement. He was  _ not _ trying to avoid Wash and Carolina like they had accused him after they finally found out Locus was living here - he just never had the time or the energy, really, to tell them. And the rest of the Reds and Blues had known, so he'd expected they already told the two.

“Uh, I thought it was obvious?” Tucker shrugged. “Didn’t think you guys would be so blind, he was walking around here every day.”  
“With active camouflage,” Wash stressed.  
“Not true!” Donut crossed his arms. “But if you two would get more sleep-”  
“Not that again,” Wash interrupted him.  
“We’ve been over this,” Carolina agreed and then sighed. “Next time just tell us.”  
“Sure we'll tell you when another ex-mercenary has been living in our basement for weeks.” Grif’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

 

“They don’t seem too thrilled about me.”  
“Oh, they just have to get used to you!” Donut chirped while he and Kai were braiding Locus’ hair. He only let it happen because he had sought for a quiet place far away from Sarge and Tucker’s shouting match over the proper color for their plates and Doc’s poorly performed attempt at conciliation. Thus, he had landed in Donut’s room and it wasn’t so bad if you didn’t mind Donut’s constant chatter and touching. A while later Kai had walked in and just plopped down beside them. It was most likely she was bored or needed a break from the chaos unfolding out there, and who could blame her. The last time they had argued about colors, it ended with a huge explosion, Freckles going on a shooting spree and the need for new tableware - which had caused the new argument. Locus couldn’t exactly say it got boring here.

“You could cook for them!” Donut suggested, going over all the ideas he had. “Everyone likes a good meal.”  
“I don't-” Donut wasn't even listening to him and just keep chatting.  
“It can be something simple like pasta, we all like pasta! And everyone’s gonna appreciate splitting up the chores more, especially Simmons since he’s doing half of the work anyway. Of course, you have to either make a complete vegan and gluten-free meal or do two different ones, but that's not that hard! You know what, I'm just gonna distract them for this evening and you will cook!”  
“Donut-” Locus desperate attempt at stopping him failed because he was out of the room faster than Locus could object. He cast a glance at Kai who only shrugged.  
“I'm not gonna help you.”  
This… would be an adventure.

 

He had done worse things in his life, for sure. For example, not killing Felix (like he should have). Or killing people for money. All these things, however, were easy. Cooking, on the other hand, wasn't something he had done much in his life and especially not recently. The problem wasn't that he didn't know what to do - he did. Heat the water, put in a sufficient amount of pasta, cook for a few minutes - there were even instructions on the box - and follow the recipe to make the sauce.  _ Easy. _ It was just like baking and he was good at baking. But.

How Locus managed to  _ burn _ the  _ water _ was something he couldn't really understand. All he could do was stand there, stare at the flames and try to calculate the possibility that water would start burning. And then Wash practically beamed into the kitchen - one second he wasn’t there and the next second he was and Locus swore he didn’t see him enter - pulled a fire extinguisher from out of nowhere - god knows where he kept them - and “rescued the base” as he called it in the following lecture. To be honest, Locus didn’t really listen to him, he was still trying to grasp what just happened.

He tuned in in the exact moment Wash exasperatedly asked: “Where did you even get this idea?”  
“Donut?”  
“Donut,” Wash repeated flatly. “I should have known.”  
“Can I continue now?”  
“NO.”  
Locus flinched.  
“Sorry. Uh, no. Don’t want everything to burn down again. You got a temporary kitchen ban.”  
Locus was so puzzled, he didn’t manage to ask what that was supposed to mean until Wash hat maneuvered him out of the kitchen and then shut the door in his face.

Lopez helpfully explained the whole situation to Locus since he was still standing in front of the closed kitchen door ten minutes later.  
_ “... and now he Caboose and Donutproofed the base, as he calls it.”  
_ “I don’t even want to know how he managed to burn down a water park.”

 

“So, that didn’t go as planned.” Donut concluded from where he laid in Locus’ lap. How this had happened, Locus had no idea. But these days he seemed to have problems to know why or how something happened so… it wasn’t really that unusual. It were the Reds and Blues, he wouldn’t have expected anything else. Still, he normally avoided situations like… this.  
“You should try something else!”  
“No.”  
“But you need to make a good impression,” Donut whined. “I will think of something!”  
“No.”  
“You’re no fun.” Pouting Donut fished his magazine from the floor and whispered: “I will do it anyway.” And Locus knew he would. He just didn’t know how bad it would be.

 

“Grif, stop staring at them!” Simmons gently smacked Grif on the forehead to gain his attention.  
“How did Donut even manage this!”  
Simmons suddenly dawned why Grif acted like this ever since Locus had shown up to live with them.  
“You’re jealous!”  
“Am not!” Grif sputtered which was proof enough for Simmons.  
“You think he’s _hot_!”  
“Well, he is! _Objectively_! But!” Grif sighed. “I don’t understand why he hangs out more with Donut than with me!”  
“Maybe because Donut is practically glued to Locus’ side and barely anyone else has a chance to spend time with him?” Simmons suggested. Grif only responded with a huff.

 

A few hours after Donut decided to help Locus, he sought out Wash and (unsuccessfully) tried to talk to him about lifting the kitchen ban. Donut had even gone so far as to write down some arguments on flash cards.  
Locus, Simmons, and Grif watched the whole thing go down.

“Locus was trying to do something nice!”  
“Donut, I don’t say that this isn’t true, I just-”  
“I’m sure he didn’t plan on killing all of us!”  
“I never considered  _ that possibility…”  _ Wash said contemplating and glanced at them.   


“Yeah, he’s making it worse,” Grif said nonchalantly. “If I were you I’d pack my things and get out of here.” Locus looked around frantically.  
“Can someone  _please_ stop him?”  
“You’re gonna have to do this yourself. I’m not getting involved in this.” Simmons shrugged and patted Locus’ shoulder before he left.  
Locus heaved a deep sigh and went over to where Donut was still talking to a kinda confused Wash.  
“If you would excuse me please, I need to borrow Donut.”  
“But Locus-” When Donut started to protest, Locus clamped a hand over his mouth and then threw him over his shoulder to get him as far away from Wash as possible as fast as possible. Which happened to be his room in the basement. Kai just happened to wander by and followed them curiously to see what was going on because Locus carrying a complaining Donut was interesting, at least to her. This wasn’t something she saw every day.

Donut didn’t look happy when he finally was set down.  
“What was that for?” He asked accusingly. “I was trying to help!”  
“This is not helping!”  
“But-”  
“I know!” There was a beat of silence where they only stared at each other, Kai making herself comfortable on Locus’ bed.  
“Look.” Locus sighed. “This is obviously not working and,” He hated himself to say that, but he couldn’t stand seeing Donut’s sad face, “We have to try something else.”  
Immediately, Donut was smiling brightly again.  
“Okay! I have so many ideas!”  
“No spa days.”  
“Many ideas-”  
“Or make-overs-”  
“ _ Some _ ideas-”  
“And no talking about feelings.”  
Donut huffed. “Well, after removing all the  _ good _ ideas, I only have one left.”

To Locus’ surprise, Donut’s idea didn’t involve any crafting or similar and was actually good. He listened to him explaining what exactly he planned all while Kai braided his hair again. She seemed to like it and by now it was relaxing to Locus so he couldn’t complain.  
“I guess that’s possible,” Locus said after a moment of thinking.  
“Told you I have good ideas!” Donut practically bounced on the spot.“Yeah,” Locus grumbled a bit. He didn’t want to admit it, but this idea was really perfect. Not too much effort and still everyone would like it.  
“But you have to tell them in person,” Donut suddenly said. “Writing an invitation might be fun but it’s so impersonal!”  
“Oh. Then no. I’m not doing it.”  
“Locuuus,” Donut whined, “I’m even gonna call them all in for a meeting, you just have to tell them and then you can live the rest of your life in peace. I think.”  
“Fine,” Locus groaned. “Let’s get it over with.”  
Donut jumped up from the bed, made a beeline for the door and called over his shoulder. “Great, I will tell you when the meeting is!” Kai chuckled, finished the braid off and got up too.   
“I’m gonna do damage control and make sure he doesn’t tell everyone himself.”  
“Thanks…”

 

Having closed the door behind them, Kai nudged Donut with her elbow.  
“Your gay is showing.”  
“What?!” Donut tried to look appalled, but Kai was having none of it.  
“Oh please, you’re so obvious.”  
“Am not!”  
“Yes, you are. Even Caboose noticed! You’re always glued to his side, trying to touch him as much as possible and when he set you down, you weren’t pouting because he was angry at you, but because you didn’t want to stop touching him!”  
Donut huffed.  
“Fine, you’re right. And now? Unless you’re wanna get involved, I don’t see your point.” The bright grin Kai flashed him confirmed his suspicions.  
“I mean, why not? Let’s get you two together.”

 

  
Later, they all had come together in the living room and Locus was standing in front of them, everyone else sitting on the couches. A little nervous, Locus cleared his throat. He hated talking in front of people.  
“So as an apology for uhm, everything,” he shot a look at Donut, “I’ve decided I will take you all out for pizza.”  
“Oh great!” Tucker said happily.  
“So get your- wait are we gonna wear armor or not? Anyway, get ready, we’re gonna get going in 20 minutes.”  
“Wait, we can’t. Not tonight,” Wash interrupted. “It’s Blue Team gaming night.”  
“Then… tomorrow.”  
“That's Red Team’s monthly Team Bonding night!” Sarge said.  
“In two days?”  
“Movie night.”  
“Three days.”  
“Grif is on cooking duty, no way we’re going out.”  
"Four days.”  
“Red and Blue gaming night.”  
“Five days, wait, let me guess, movie night again??”  
“Pfft, as if we had every evening planned out! We’re free there.”  
“Oh thank-”  
“Wait, that’s pancake day.” Caboose didn’t look happy.  
“Nevermind.” Locus sighed. this was more difficult than he thought.  
“In six days we usually have pizza night, so why aren’t we going then?” Carolina suggested.  
“W- Why didn’t you tell this at the beginning?” Locus asked exasperated but didn’t give her the chance to speak. “No, forget it. It’s settled then.”

 

After this announcement, Locus prepared for six days of relative peace before he would have to deal with the chaos the Reds and Blues certainly were when going out for pizza. He was, however, wrong. Really, what else did he expect?

At first, Donut came to him with a lot of little requests. Hold this for a second, can you just do my hair, can I stay here for a while, Sarge wants me to do something and I don't want to do it. Most of the time, Locus didn't even mind. There were certainly worse things to do than letting Donut go on and on about the most recent fashion trends and reading a book.

But sometimes Donut had some very… interesting ideas. Today, for example, he barged into Locus’ room, looking like someone had died.  
“I need your help!”  
“What happened?” Locus asked, concern laced in his voice.  
“Just follow me!”  
“A box. You want me. To help you. To get a. Fucking. Box.”  
“Yes! It’s far too high for me to reach!”  
“Donut, you could have gotten a - a chair or a ladder, but you came to me and  _ sounded like someone was dying and this is the only thing you need help with?!”  
_ “If you put it that way…” Sometimes it was very hard for Locus to contain himself but he had sworn off killing and it wouldn’t be a good impression.

So he accepted his fate and reached for the box. And - had to realize he was too short.  
“Donut.”  
“Yes?”  
“I can’t reach it.”  
“Oh, uhm… Can you lift me up? Maybe then I can reach it.”  
This would not do his back any good, he had noticed this after he had carried Donut to his room, but there was that sad look on Donut’s face again… so he gave in.  
“Alright.”  
With Locus’ help, Donut was able to reach the box, though he still looked kinda disappointed when Locus let go of him again.  
“Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So, I can leave now?”  
“Sure.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes.”  
Locus shrugged and turned to the door when he spotted something from the corner of his eye.  
“Is that a  _ladder?!_ ”  
“Uhm… No?”  
“I can’t believe you. You do know you’re not the lightest?”  
“Hey!” One glance of Locus made Donut back off.  
“Sorry? I could give you a back massage? If you want.”  
The invitation didn’t sound so bad. “You are awful,” Locus concluded when he accepted Dount’s outstretched hand and let him pull him to the bed. He missed the little triumphant smile Donut wore.

 

Later, when Locus returned to his room, he stopped in the doorway. Something was wrong. That  _ smell. _ He scanned his room for anything new or different which would explain this - Oh. Oh no. They had  _ not  _ done that!

 

“Where is Sarge?!” Locus almost shouted when he entered their shared living room.  
“What hap-” Wash shut up when he saw the thing Locus carried.  
“Oh, he really did that,” Simmons mumbled, looking at the helmet in Locus’ hands - the former green helmet was now painted in a bright red.  
“Do you carry any weapons with you?” Carolina asked, not even looking up.  
“Yes.”  
“Then we’re not gonna tell you.”  
“Fine,” Locus spat angrily, "I’m gonna find him myself then!”  
“You don’t have to,” Grif snorted, “He’s outside building that snowmachine he was talking about.”  
Locus was ready to storm out when Simmons spoke up.  
“Uhm, Locus, wait? I made sure he uses the paint which you can wash off easily without damaging the old paint.”  
“Oh." He stopped in the door. "Thanks.” For a moment, he considered what he planned on doing now. “Can I borrow Caboose for some time?”  
“Sure?” Wash looked confused, but he never had any objections when someone voluntarily wanted to keep Caboose busy.  
“Great.”

Already in the hallway, Locus stopped again and asked: “Do you have any blue paint around?”  
Grinning, Tucker got up. “I know what he’s doing. Yes!” He shouted back. “I’m gonna show you where!”

 

The next morning they all were in the kitchen for breakfast, except for Sarge.  Usually, everyone would go on with their day by now, however, no one wanted to miss this. And they weren’t disappointed.

“Who did this?!” Sarge stormed in the kitchen and slammed his helmet on the table.  
“Not me.”  
“Innocent.”  
“Tucker did it.”  
“Wow, who would paint someone’s armor in another color without asking first?”  
Sarge looked from Wash, to Tucker, to Caboose, who was still covered in blue paint, to Locus.  
“I was only painting your armor so you’d look like a true Red when going out!” he almost cried.  
“I’m  _not_ going out like this, I like my green armor just fine.”  
“Sir, we even stated that green is a shade of red on the Red Team handbook,” Simmons said tentatively.  
“Nonsense!” Sarge barked.  
“You wrote it yourself!” Simmons protested. “I can show you!”

“Fine, you’re right,” Sarge had to admit after Simmons had gotten the book and read the newly added passage out loud.  
“Told you so!”  
“Simmons! Don’t sass back to your commanding officer! You’re gonna clean my armor!”  
“Uuuuhm.”  
“Sarge, he can’t, he has to do the dishes.” Simmons mouthed a confused “What?” at Tucker who mothed back “later”.  
Sarge only growled something.  
“Well, then someone else!  Grif - where did he go?” Everyone except for Tucker, Simmons, and Locus had left the room, probably precisely for this reason.  
Sarge huffed in annoyance.  
“You are clearly spending too much time with the Blues and adopting their ways of thinking!” he growled at Locus and then gripped his helmet and stalked out of the kitchen.  
“I… think he's pouting now." Locus wasn't sure how to handle this situation.  
“Eh, don’t believe him, he's gonna forget about it pretty soon. After all, he knows exactly why you took your revenge,” Tucker reassured him. “He's used to it by now.”  
“I hope you're right.”

 

Tucker was right. A few hours later Sarge - now with red armor again - called his whole team together to test the snow machine he had built.  
“Team -and Caboose -, you have the honor to experience the first snow made by this snow machine!”  
Everyone groaned and Sarge switched on the machine before they could get away.

There are things the Reds (and Blues) never were surprised about: Sarge's machines exploding. Sarge machines not doing what they were supposed to do. Or exploding. Or not working. Or… that was pretty much it.  
Nobody expected it to actually work.  
“Are you sure the snow isn't, like, radioactive or something?“ Grif asked skeptically.  
“No… And even if, I don't think it would kill us as long as we don't eat…”  
“Too late.”  
Simmons and Grif watched Caboose trying to catch snowflakes with his tongue.

Locus just stood there, watched the snowflakes fall and settle on him, hoping it would disguise him. All his hopes were, however, destroyed when Donut pulled at his arm and gushed over all the possibilities they had now. So many great winter activities to do!  
But everything ended in a snowball fight because Grif had shoved snow into Tucker's face and he had sworn revenge.  
Locus had to admit it was fun and when they sat inside and warmed up with hot chocolate afterwards even though it was only the end of summer, he felt as good as he hadn't in a long time. It almost felt like home.

 

Finally, it was pizza night. Locus had packed his wallet, let Donut pick out clothes for him, then put on his armor because he refused to leave without it, gathered the rest and walked to the pelican.  
Carolina had volunteered to pilot so she was the first to enter, then Wash, Tucker, and Sarge. Although Sarge stopped at the ramp and made Caboose nearly run him over.  
“I refuse to share a ship with the Blues!” he declared.  
“Ugh, we almost had him inside,” Grif complained. “Now we have to drag him in again!”  
“No! We have a Red Team Spaceship now and we're gonna use it!”  
“We have?” Simmons, Grif, and Donut asked at the same time.  
“Yes!” Sarge turned to the left and marched towards… oh no.  
“Sarge, wait, we can't...” Locus trailed off when Sarge entered Arynasea.  
“Nevermind, I guess we can. Why did she even let him in?” Locus muttered, following Sarge. He did not realize that the rest of Red Team had taken this as an invitation to join them as well till they were all sitting in Arynasea. How this was even possible, Locus didn't know. He sat in the pilot seat with an extremely happy Donut in his lap, Simmons and Grif squeezed in the co-pilot seat and somehow Sarge and Caboose had managed to find a spot in the back.  
“This is. A ship. Designed. For only. Two. Persons. You all know that, right?”  
The only response he got was Donut pressing closer, Simmons and Grif continuing their usual banter, Caboose… drawing on the walls, goddamnit, and Sarge hollering: “Let's go before the Blues eat everything without us!”

Sometimes it was difficult to get used to the Reds and Blues. But they were the closest to a family he had in a long time and it made him feel good. He supposed he could live with their... quirks.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr, I'm [finerafin](https://finerafin.tumblr.com/)


End file.
